avia: Painting of a swan flying against a background of city night sky. (swan flight)
[personal profile] avia
Prompt from kinspeak on Tumblr:
To otherkin and therians alike, how do you think your personalities tie in with your kin-type or therio-type? Does the “human” side of you clash with the “other”? Or do they fit seamlessly together?
For me, they perfectly match.

Which is not saying that I never have more “human” feelings that clash with the “swan” feelings, but… I don’t think this is a deep clash between the girl and the swan, because, I sometimes have human feelings that clash with my other human feelings, and, swan feelings that clash with my other swan feelings. That’s a part of being alive, that your feelings don’t always match.

But, it’s not a daily war between the swan and the girl. The girl is like the swan, swan-like, sometimes gentle to those she loves, sometimes cold and distant, and the swan is like the girl, girl-like, sometimes expressing her self in ways that are not like a swan at all. Most of the time, I don’t know where one ends and the other begins, and, it seems wrong to try and pull them apart, because, they are meant to be whole.

Some people don’t believe they were born otherkin/therian. They believe that it is something that grew inside them over time. I was born swan, and, swan was mixed in my from my very first days. Of course, I didn’t call it swan then, and, other people didn’t call it swan, either. Do you expect a swan to look in the mirror, and know her self? Not even most humans can do that, when they have a human shape to guide them. How does a girl with the wrong shape, look in the mirror and see the self that should be there, when everyone tells you the mirror is true?

Actually, we did have words for it though. The first one was a gift to me from my mother. It was my name. That was the first word, a word that described swan nature, without saying “swan”. Tsu, and the rest that comes after it. A strange and prophetic name.

After that, many words were used. “Cold”. “Strange”. “Autistic”. Being autistic, is it the same thing as being a swan? No, not exactly. But, a swan who dislikes human touch, who dislikes human company, who pulls away from the strange world of city noise and meat-for-food and shoes and scratchy tags on clothing, who screams and runs away when the radio is played, who spends hours curled up on her own because the human world seems too big and sharp and wrong, this is one thing that can fall under the label, autistic.

I believe that I’m autistic because I’m not human, because I’m swan. I also believe that there are many reasons for autism, and, that’s not the only one, and, I also believe that autism caused by a non-human nature is the same thing as autism caused by anything else, and, so, in the end it doesn’t really matter, except to me. It doesn’t make my autism or my non-human nature less real. Autism is just one way of reacting to the world, one type of brain that can exist, and, it happens to be just the way that a bird would react, trapped in a human body. Aut-istic, meaning, auto, self, focused on self, self-defensive. Flap, panic, hide, scream, bite, hiss, claw, don’t use words, freeze up don’t move. Get comfort from silent nesting with people, get comfort from curling into a ball, get comfort from standing staring at the sky dreaming to spread wings and fly fly fly. Get comfort from the cold cold air, always have a fan on you, blowing your invisible feathers. The fan has become a way I stim. I sit with it and let it blow over my face and arms and legs. It feels like flying. It feels comforting. I need the cold, I need to shiver, it makes life feel more real.

So, this autistic nature, and non-human nature, it gets tangled up. And, because my “human nature”, the “human parts of me”, is autistic nature, then, it is very similar to the swan nature, a reflection of it, or, even an expression of it.

I can say, the way I am as human is the expression of the way I am as a swan. This human nature that comes out through me, is shaped by the needs of a swan soul.

So, I can’t imagine having a “human” and a “swan” inside me that clash. When people talk about “the wolf wants to do this and the human wants to do that”, I don’t think of it that way. I do think sometimes, my “higher self” or, more thoughtful self will say, no, I should not do [thing I want to do on instinct]. But, I don’t divide it on human and swan lines. My higher self is part swan, my instinct self is part human. Humans, also, have a higher self and an instinct self, and their instinct wants to do one thing and their rational mind wants to do another. It seems insulting to the swan, to say that the more human-like aspects of me do all the high thinking, and the swan does all the instinct stuff. It’s a mix.

That’s why I say I am a swangirl, a swan maiden. I’m not just a swan, and I’m not just a girl. I’m a myth, something made when the two come together, and mix, and become so they can’t be separated, and live as one, and dream as one. When the girl dreams on swan wings, when the swan makes words with a girl’s hands, when the girl expresses her self by curling up, when the swan expresses her self by wearing clothes… that’s magic happening, there. And it’s beautiful. And it’s not something I can pull into two parts.

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little swan child

May 2013

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