Sep. 25th, 2011

Hearts

Sep. 25th, 2011 06:23 pm
avia: A dark haired girl sitting without concern in a winter scene, with a large heart next to her feet, surrounded by crows. (eat my heart out)
So, I realised, writing in comments on the previous post, that I have a strange personal relationship with my heart. Not my physical heart, though, I guess I have a strange relationship with that too, because it beats oddly, but, my metaphorical heart.

I guess, you can probably tell it from the fact that I have two icons, out of this 15, that show hearts. This one, with the heart pulled out, and my "ice heart" one. But I didn't think about it, until now.

I should begin with what it means, to me, "metaphorical heart". For me, it's a little like [personal profile] the_flow said... heart and soul are not the same, but, they are tied up together. For me, heart is like a projection of soul, or, a part of soul. The soul is the whole person, but the heart is the feeling, emotional part.

I have been told a lot that I am heartless, because I am autistic, and I don't care in the right ways, or, express my caring in the right ways. I don't actually think that I am heartless, like I know some people identify. But, I do think that my heart is different from a lot of people's. My soul is a bird, a feather, a cloud, but my heart is an ice heart. It can break, it can melt, it has emotions, but, it doesn't want to be touched, because if you hold it in your hands it will hurt, it will get weak.

"Cold" people, are not always "without emotions". But, some of us deal with our emotions differently, because they hurt us very strongly, and so, we have to protect them.

And, like I said in comments, my heart, it is a part of me, but, at the same time, the way that my heart feels and doesn't feel is something that people have treated badly. And, sometimes, I simply want to smash my heart, and not be a part of this world that demands that I have one and use it in the right way. Or, to put the responsiblity for my heart in other people's hands, so that they can decide what my heart does, not me.

So, my heart is small and frozen, and sometimes, I think, I don't need it, I can live with just my soul. I know I do need it, but, to me, it is less important. My soul, my spiritual nature, is what's important. And, so, I can feel like I can put it in the hands of people, without losing anything. My heart is second, to me, to my soul.

But, it doesn't mean I don't value it. Maybe, it actually means that I share it more often, because, I am not attached to it. If it takes some damage, if it melts, I still have my soul. Sometimes, I can't handle that pain, of the melting, but when I can, I can be very open because, it doesn't hurt me so much if I lose my heart. But, a lot of the time, it's just too much.

I don't think this makes a lot of sense... maybe I will write a story about it, instead. Maybe, it will make more sense that way.

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avia: (Default)
little swan child

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