Sep. 29th, 2011

avia: A person in a plague doctor mask (skull mask with a long bird beak), black and white image. (plague doctor)
warning: corrupt government/prison system, racism, murder, death penalty )

warning: violence, nightmares, death )

I want to write more stories in the universe of the first one. Where Ideas are creatures, and they can be killed.

The second one was just a rambling thing. But I like it, in some way.

I've been working on a children's book project thing most of the day, but right now, I'm struggling with converting pdf to epub... when I have it worked out, I will talk more about it and offer downloads ^v^ It's going to be a paper book too (because it is a children's book, I think that a lot of people will want the paper version to let the child hold, or to read to them at night, it's not the same reading from a computer), so, I have the proof that will be mailed to me soon, so I can see if it looks okay... I really hope it looks okay. It did in the pdf, but, computer stuffs can be so much problems....

Love

Sep. 29th, 2011 02:50 am
avia: A dark haired girl sitting without concern in a winter scene, with a large heart next to her feet, surrounded by crows. (eat my heart out)
I put this in Charley's love party post, and, I'm thinking about it now because, I never really thought about this before, but, it's true...

It's strange, I am... not a creature who needs to be loved. I don't think I understand the need... I understand that others need it and so I try to let them know when I love them, though I am bad at it, but, I don't. Maybe I'm too non-human to know why I should, I like to have people who will share deep things with me and I like them to enjoy being around me and feel comfortable there and want to keep sharing with me and let me share with them, but... I don't need to be loved, really.

Even when I love.


And... it is not... that I don't want to be liked. I like being liked, I don't want people to hate me, I want people to enjoy my company. But I don't need love, not to say I don't like it, I love some wonderful people and they love me and I love that, but, it's not a need. If they say they don't love me, they just like me, it's okay, too.

I think... comes from my past, maybe. The people I loved, never loved me. And, I was okay with that. It turned out, when I got older, the first person I fell in love with then, didn't love me either. But that was also okay. I have been okay with this for a long time. Perhaps, I even like it better that way? I don't know. For a romantic relationship, anyway, I feel more comfortable when I love, and not loved in return, but liked, or, many company is liked. That's enough.

Is that strange?

I wonder, also, if this is why... a lot of people say they have low self-esteem. They hate their selves regularly, they feel worthless. I... don't have that? I feel like I am worth existing, I don't hate my self. I feel a lot of emotional pain sometimes, and sometimes I feel nervous around particular people because I feel they are more amazing than me and I look up to them, but, that's not the same thing as "I don't have any worth". I wonder if, the reason I don't need love is the same reason I don't understand low self-esteem.

It's probably an autistic thing, in the end I suppose....
avia: Text, blue letters on a tree trunk: "I have only a beast's heart". (only a beast's heart)
After something [personal profile] feathertail said to me, I wonder if I am actually aromantic.

I identified as grey-romantic for a while, but I wonder if, I'm more close to aromantic in fact. I think, I have difficulty telling because, when you take the sexual part out of a relationship, what is the big difference between romance and a close platonic relationship? It seems like it is making romantic relations seem cheap and simple, by saying I am aromantic because I don't want a relationship where hugs and kisses are expected, or where there's a pressure to say "I love you" before the person leaves the house, or where we always sleep in the same bed. I'm sure there are many wonderful romantic relationships where people don't do these things.

But, in the end, it comes to this: I would prefer to talk about stories with you than cuddle you. I would prefer to talk about what matters to you in a philosophical way, than talk about our feelings for each other. When we go out and stare at the stars, I want you to love them with me because they are the stars, not be thinking only of me, and I want to think of them, too, and think, it is nice that someone will appreciate the wonder of the sky with me, not it's so nice to have this background to our beautiful feelings.

Tsu rambles about aromance )
avia: Text: "I'll keep you wild", on mountains at sunset. (keep you wild)
Prompt, from girlorpheus:


“Dancing with the rogue waves gives her peace of mind.”
(she’s on her way home)


Read more... )

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little swan child

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