avia: Text: "I'll keep you wild", on mountains at sunset. (keep you wild)
Prompt, from girlorpheus:

“Dancing with the rogue waves gives her peace of mind.”
(she’s on her way home)

Read more... )
avia: Text, blue letters on a tree trunk: "I have only a beast's heart". (only a beast's heart)
After something [personal profile] feathertail said to me, I wonder if I am actually aromantic.

I identified as grey-romantic for a while, but I wonder if, I'm more close to aromantic in fact. I think, I have difficulty telling because, when you take the sexual part out of a relationship, what is the big difference between romance and a close platonic relationship? It seems like it is making romantic relations seem cheap and simple, by saying I am aromantic because I don't want a relationship where hugs and kisses are expected, or where there's a pressure to say "I love you" before the person leaves the house, or where we always sleep in the same bed. I'm sure there are many wonderful romantic relationships where people don't do these things.

But, in the end, it comes to this: I would prefer to talk about stories with you than cuddle you. I would prefer to talk about what matters to you in a philosophical way, than talk about our feelings for each other. When we go out and stare at the stars, I want you to love them with me because they are the stars, not be thinking only of me, and I want to think of them, too, and think, it is nice that someone will appreciate the wonder of the sky with me, not it's so nice to have this background to our beautiful feelings.

Tsu rambles about aromance )


Sep. 29th, 2011 02:50 am
avia: A dark haired girl sitting without concern in a winter scene, with a large heart next to her feet, surrounded by crows. (eat my heart out)
I put this in Charley's love party post, and, I'm thinking about it now because, I never really thought about this before, but, it's true...

It's strange, I am... not a creature who needs to be loved. I don't think I understand the need... I understand that others need it and so I try to let them know when I love them, though I am bad at it, but, I don't. Maybe I'm too non-human to know why I should, I like to have people who will share deep things with me and I like them to enjoy being around me and feel comfortable there and want to keep sharing with me and let me share with them, but... I don't need to be loved, really.

Even when I love.

And... it is not... that I don't want to be liked. I like being liked, I don't want people to hate me, I want people to enjoy my company. But I don't need love, not to say I don't like it, I love some wonderful people and they love me and I love that, but, it's not a need. If they say they don't love me, they just like me, it's okay, too.

I think... comes from my past, maybe. The people I loved, never loved me. And, I was okay with that. It turned out, when I got older, the first person I fell in love with then, didn't love me either. But that was also okay. I have been okay with this for a long time. Perhaps, I even like it better that way? I don't know. For a romantic relationship, anyway, I feel more comfortable when I love, and not loved in return, but liked, or, many company is liked. That's enough.

Is that strange?

I wonder, also, if this is why... a lot of people say they have low self-esteem. They hate their selves regularly, they feel worthless. I... don't have that? I feel like I am worth existing, I don't hate my self. I feel a lot of emotional pain sometimes, and sometimes I feel nervous around particular people because I feel they are more amazing than me and I look up to them, but, that's not the same thing as "I don't have any worth". I wonder if, the reason I don't need love is the same reason I don't understand low self-esteem.

It's probably an autistic thing, in the end I suppose....
avia: A person in a plague doctor mask (skull mask with a long bird beak), black and white image. (plague doctor)
warning: corrupt government/prison system, racism, murder, death penalty )

warning: violence, nightmares, death )

I want to write more stories in the universe of the first one. Where Ideas are creatures, and they can be killed.

The second one was just a rambling thing. But I like it, in some way.

I've been working on a children's book project thing most of the day, but right now, I'm struggling with converting pdf to epub... when I have it worked out, I will talk more about it and offer downloads ^v^ It's going to be a paper book too (because it is a children's book, I think that a lot of people will want the paper version to let the child hold, or to read to them at night, it's not the same reading from a computer), so, I have the proof that will be mailed to me soon, so I can see if it looks okay... I really hope it looks okay. It did in the pdf, but, computer stuffs can be so much problems....


Sep. 28th, 2011 01:49 pm
avia: A girl lying on a swan and hugging them. (hug a swan)
s-someone got me paid time on Dreamwidth???

I don't know who you are, but, thank you, thank you so much! m( _ _ )m That's so much to me...

*want to go and upload so many icons now*

Wah, I'm in a shock, and, there's anything you want me to do for you, I will do my best....
avia: Girl and boy couple, wearing headphones. The boy is looking at her but the girl is staring into the sky. (staring into world)
I finished The Wood Wife today. It's a very good book, and it does something that made me want to look up the author and read more books by her (I normally choose my books strongly by subject, it's rare that I choose by author because, subject matters so much to me)... it made me feel interested in a subject that I don't normally have interest in.

For me, "personal interests" are the centre of the universe. It is very hard to make me feel connected or moved or like I am doing anything important, with the subject is something I don't have interest in. It's part of being an autistic person, and, it's part of what can make socialising very difficult for me, as well as many things... if I am not doing something connected to my interests, I get bored, and bored feelings become pain, and that drains my energy very quickly. I'm not normally a person who just has fun "being social". It needs to be connected to something I am particularly interested in, or, I need to find a reason to feel interested. Sometimes, being with a person I like can be enough for that, but, it's a rare bond that creates it, and, that bond is also usually based on... interests!

So, to enjoy a book that is not on a personal interest subject, is definitely something that makes me feel I should read the author's other work.

Cut... some small spoilers, I try to keep it minimum )


Sep. 27th, 2011 09:07 pm
avia: Picture of numbers, shapes, and stars falling in a night sky. (falling numbers)
Things I learned from Occupy Wall Street: police brutality is not occasional things, it's the normal state of things. And, I am very privileged to not know that before now.

I don't think I will ever be calling the police for anything in the future. Society can heal in better ways, than abusing each other in the name of authority.

Also, today I got library books. (´-ω-`) Feels just... good, having new stories in my hands, new words to explore.
avia: Poster for the Black Swan movie, top half is a white swan on a black background, bottom is a skeleton black swan on red. (black swan)
This society tries to keep us from making up stories about our lives. It says, "but things are not really like that. This, scientific evidence, shows the way things are, the only way things are." But stories, different ways to see things, they are what makes our world come alive. By conforming everything to one scientific viewpoint we are stripping it of culture, perspectives, and our own personal relationship to it. Everything becomes dead in our eyes.

They are taking the stories that make sense of our lives, and replacing them with their own.

So, if that knot in the tree is shaped like a face to you, and it means something in your personal mythology, don’t let anyone tell you that is less “real” than the hard, scientific facts. They are killing your myths and replacing them with their vision. Holding on to our own secret myths is a powerful weapon against that, and, healing for the soul.

Note: when I say "culture and perspective", I mean that science as we experience it as non-scientists, is very filtered through particular cultural ideas that might not match what matters to us. People say that science is just facts, but, the way that science is shown to us, in magazines, TV, articles, etc. is not just facts, it comes from a particular perspective about what is normal and what is acceptable, and, the idea that scientific way of looking at the world is more "real" or "right" than others, erases different perspectives about what is acceptable and ignores cultural difference.

When I say "personal relationship", I mean a similar thing. What you experience about the universe does not matter, because what they experience about the universe is "right". Inside experience is turned into a "nice little fantasy" compared to the solid knowledge of science. The idea that scientific view is the only "real" view is patronising to our personal ways of experiencing the world, and, our idea that they have value.
avia: (Default)
More information here! Charley is wonderful at reading and writing too, I never heard Morgan read but their stories are lovely, so, if you like writing/reading you should definitely look at this and, maybe help out?

I don't feel confident enough with my writing or reading to do either, but, people who are...
avia: Text: "Wanted to explode, pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside" (wanted to explode)
I forgot, just how much I needed to read about winged people. I forgot how much it means to me, stories about people getting their wings, stories about people fighting so hard to keep their wings from being taken away. No, I didn't forget, in my mind, not like amnesia, but I forgot in my heart. I forgot what it feels like.

There is something, about that same story told in different ways... someone has wings, but people try to keep them from flying because it's "not polite", but they fly anyway... that always touches me, even if it's the same story heard a hundred times, a thousand. I could keep reading it. Because it's real.

It's a metaphor, a story about people who move different and act different and feel different and how, the world thinks it's "not polite" but we need it, we need it, and it's okay to embrace it. And it's a real story too, not metaphor, a story about how we need to fly and people tell us "that's stupid" and "people can't fly" and "you are not a bird" and "everyone is just human, live with it, deal with it" and your heart is crying no, no, and your body is reaching for the sky in every atom and every beat of blood and your soul feels like it is in chains, and every part of you is shattered glass because

You. Need. The. Sky.

Or the ocean, or the forest, or the desert, or the inside of your warm room. It can be anywhere. For me, it's the sky, liquid world of light, the only time I can be in a world so open and so much without shadows and not feel like I am falling apart, or maybe I do but it's okay, it's okay when it's the sky because the sky will hold me, if I fall apart the sky will keep me, I will fall apart but I will never fall.

And this knowledge, that the sky will keep me, hold me, love me, is always burning inside me, mixed with the knowledge that I need it need it need it, and so there is love and so there is pain and they both cut me and they both stretch me past my ability to hold it and my boundaries are breaking, I am just like a puff of air, I am being stretches so thin that I can't exist as a body any more and I

I fly.

I fly.


Sep. 25th, 2011 06:23 pm
avia: A dark haired girl sitting without concern in a winter scene, with a large heart next to her feet, surrounded by crows. (eat my heart out)
So, I realised, writing in comments on the previous post, that I have a strange personal relationship with my heart. Not my physical heart, though, I guess I have a strange relationship with that too, because it beats oddly, but, my metaphorical heart.

I guess, you can probably tell it from the fact that I have two icons, out of this 15, that show hearts. This one, with the heart pulled out, and my "ice heart" one. But I didn't think about it, until now.

I should begin with what it means, to me, "metaphorical heart". For me, it's a little like [personal profile] the_flow said... heart and soul are not the same, but, they are tied up together. For me, heart is like a projection of soul, or, a part of soul. The soul is the whole person, but the heart is the feeling, emotional part.

I have been told a lot that I am heartless, because I am autistic, and I don't care in the right ways, or, express my caring in the right ways. I don't actually think that I am heartless, like I know some people identify. But, I do think that my heart is different from a lot of people's. My soul is a bird, a feather, a cloud, but my heart is an ice heart. It can break, it can melt, it has emotions, but, it doesn't want to be touched, because if you hold it in your hands it will hurt, it will get weak.

"Cold" people, are not always "without emotions". But, some of us deal with our emotions differently, because they hurt us very strongly, and so, we have to protect them.

And, like I said in comments, my heart, it is a part of me, but, at the same time, the way that my heart feels and doesn't feel is something that people have treated badly. And, sometimes, I simply want to smash my heart, and not be a part of this world that demands that I have one and use it in the right way. Or, to put the responsiblity for my heart in other people's hands, so that they can decide what my heart does, not me.

So, my heart is small and frozen, and sometimes, I think, I don't need it, I can live with just my soul. I know I do need it, but, to me, it is less important. My soul, my spiritual nature, is what's important. And, so, I can feel like I can put it in the hands of people, without losing anything. My heart is second, to me, to my soul.

But, it doesn't mean I don't value it. Maybe, it actually means that I share it more often, because, I am not attached to it. If it takes some damage, if it melts, I still have my soul. Sometimes, I can't handle that pain, of the melting, but when I can, I can be very open because, it doesn't hurt me so much if I lose my heart. But, a lot of the time, it's just too much.

I don't think this makes a lot of sense... maybe I will write a story about it, instead. Maybe, it will make more sense that way.
avia: A girl sitting and holding her knees, in an abandoned house grown over with green things. (green house)
I was thinking recently, because I'm reading The Wood Wife, about place, and stories, and magic/wonder.

The Wood Wife is a very... place-focused book. A lot of books are, Daughter of the Forest was too, the one I read just before it. Daughter of the Forest is a story that would not work without Ireland, and without Britain (before the first place was part of the second), and the cultural roots and atmosphere of those places. The Wood Wife is also a story that would not work without place, because it is all about the magic of the Arizona desert, how the desert hides wild and strange things and how it can transform a person.

Because of this, I find the book interesting, but, in a detached way... it makes me curious to learn about the magic of the desert, and difficult to feel close to the book, also. Those things come from the same place... I don't understand desert magic. It is not my natural place, it is not my way, it is not my home.

I realise that place makes a big difference for me, if I want to feel and experience the magic in a story. It's influence for me, even before I read a book, what kind of place I think that book is about. In fact, I was excited to read The Wood Wife because the title makes me think, it will be about woods, which exist usually in cold places, with a lot of rain. That's where I find spiritual comfort. I love stories that are about forests, or green hills, or mountains and cold, icy lands. I have never been to Ireland or Scotland, but I do enjoy stories that have an Irish or Scottish theme because, simply, I like trees and water and storms and rain. I need them, to be spiritual in my full detail.

I am a water bird and, in Hermetic tradition water is associated with darkness and shadow, and, I am also a shadow creature. I can't have the light on me all the time. I need shade and I need rain, and, I feel most magical with those things around me. I also wonder a little, if there is a truth to the idea of "roots" in a blood sense... I don't normally think about it, but, I wonder, this blood was made for a Japanese climate and spirituality and, I wonder if it really does make a difference. If there is a truth to the idea that your spirituality, or spiritual pull/strength, can be passed down in blood, in a way.

I live in the desert, so, I hope that The Wood Wife will teach me about how to appreciate the magic here. But I feel like the forests will always be spiritual home for me.


Sep. 23rd, 2011 09:14 pm
avia: A smiling girl lifting up a skull mask to show her face. (happy skull girl)
I'm not sure what it is I like so much about this story, but, I like it, so, I'm reblogging it here. I think, I just feel that this song is very creepy, in a wonderful way.

Read more... )

Put stickers on bird cages at Petsmart today and put protest letters in the mailbox... for some reason, things like this take so long for me. It's not an action of a few minutes to be activist, for some people. It takes hours. And, this was only a tiny thing. But, for this, it felt worth my energy.

I wanted to do something for the autumn equinox today too, but... could not think what. Maybe it's a good day to begin using my death rosary finally. I could do that.
avia: A girl lying on a swan and hugging them. (hug a swan)
I just remembered I have these blank stickers for activism stuffs... so I used a few....

Opt to adopt!
(Click to see large)

I think, I'm going on a tour of some local pet stores soon.


Sep. 22nd, 2011 10:24 pm
avia: A smiling girl lifting up a skull mask to show her face. (happy skull girl)
Oh~, my store appeared today!

What store? Well... I was working on this last night, but, there was some problems with the store, so, the designs were not showing. But, it finally appeared now... I have been working on some shirt designs, for genderqueer, autistic, and other non-normative type people, just for fun~ But, it can also make a little money for me, and, I want to try and support my self with online sales of things in future, so, part of this, is testing to see if I can make any kind of business.

Here are the designs:

More behind the cut )

Sorry it comes out a little expensive... I was trying to put it as the cheapest price I could, the dark t-shirts are expensive ;w; But, the white ones are not bad. Sadly, the "observation robot" only looks good on a dark background really... but, if people want it for light, I can make one.

Also, I am open to ideas for custom designs, I'll try to make it~ (it doesn't have to be robot themed, but, if it is neurodiversity/gender diversity related it helps...) I have some more ideas that I am working on too, so, I'll post more updates when I have more shirts~

(Edited to add: right now, a friend told me about a problem with the “gender binary” ones, so, I take the design down and replace it. The gender binary shirts should be up again in about 24 hours… sorry about that!)
avia: Text: "Never love a wild thing." (never love a wild thing)

The time when you are just recovering from finishing a book (because, recovering is a good word, I think, this shaking in the heart, strange melancholy feeling), and all the world around you feels a little twilight, fae and magical... and your own words feel more strong, you feel like you can write poetry because there is poetry in your brain, and you feel powerful, and at the same time helpless, to the rush of grief.

I just finished Daughter of the Forest, by Juliet Marillier. A short review, or, emotional thoughts not really organised )
avia: Text: "Never love a wild thing." (never love a wild thing)

Oh, oh, oh. This. This.

Our feral heart that wants to run. Our quiet heart that wants to go home. The way we are on a constant search for wings.

What are we? I can’t answer that question for everyone, but I, I reject human form, the same way that maybe the dog rejects the way it has been shaped by vain, proud hands, rejects being squashed into a small body with a stump nose and legs that hardly run, remembers the wolf.

Perhaps, there is a secret society of species dysmorphics through the world, wolves trapped in handbag-size bodies, tigers designed by human hands for beauty and not for breathing.

Perhaps, humanity is just the first victim of a curse, a curse that washed over the land and said, we will take birds and give them not-flight, we will take coyotes and give them not-running, we will squash them into strange naked shapes. And, in anger, they will turn on the rest of the world and make it as not-wild and not-free as they are, turning wolves into handbag dogs, clipping the wings of birds and shutting them in cages.

We have been abused, we have been broken, and so, we repeat that abuse on the helpless things around us.

But I say, no more. I will not continue the abuse done to me. I will let the birds fly, even if it makes my heart ache to watch them go where I can not.
avia: A girl looking up at a dark sky and snow fall with hand holding out to catch snow. (snow falls)
I have to admit it... as an autistic person, I usually don't feel emotional about the deaths of people the same way most people do, even if they are the result of cruelty. I can often get more heart-feeling upset about deaths of fictional characters, or celebrities just because they are people I like, than about a crisis of rights, even though I have a worship of death, and I believe that the real reason any death would be wrong, is if it happens because of injustice situation.

It's just the way I am. I can't change it, I'm not sure I want to, because, it's not bad or good, it's just me. It doesn't mean I don't care, because, in my mind I think these events are sad and I do what I can to help people who are suffering. I do care. I just don't feel it in my heart. I have been told, that that is not caring. But, it is the way I work.

But, something in my heart does feel a heavy weight for Troy Davis, who was lynched tonight by the state of Georgia. That's all you can call it, when the evidence for him didn't actually exist and the witnesses were bullied into saying he did it. It's a murder because he is black. That's all.

(And, here's a random truth if you don't believe that: Courts in GA sought the death penalty for 70% of black defendants with white victims but for only 15% of white defendants with black victim. From aclu.org.)

I think, I feel it because I was watching it actually happen on Tumblr... not on a video, but, watching it through the comments of people who were updating constantly about how the case was going. So, I knew the moment it happened, or, close to it. And, I also read this lovely, lovely message from him to his supporters today. And it made me really just feel, for a moment, like I could feel his soul setting free from his body, and I did what I do as a psychopomp, and I connected with that energy and tried to send energy to help to guide his soul safely to a place of beauty and joy.

And then, I was listening to this EP (which is beautiful, and, has a lovely name), and it started the song "Lark", and, though I would not have thought of it before, the words stuck in my head as a bird-prayer for those who are transitioning from one world to the next.

on the wings of the storm
you will be carried forth
to the nest you will return
body, breath and life secure

So, this is a death song in my head now. And, my prayer as a bird soul, for Troy Davis and for all who have died, are dying, will die, as victims of what America still calls "justice", even though that is a thin veil over a corruption so obvious that anyone can see through it.


avia: (Default)
little swan child

May 2013

5678910 11


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 21st, 2017 11:10 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios