avia: Bird with the text "Fly away with me". (fly away with me)
I'm not comfortable calling this "totem" or "spirit animal" because, that is not my culture. But, I realise that because Sarusiel has Frigatebird as one of Her sacred animals, I probably should research what is thought to be magical associations of Frigatebird.

And... I didn't find anything. Or, not anything useful. Just some short things, really they say nothing to me at all.

So, I decide to read about Frigatebird, and try to understand the magic of this being on my own, as well as how the bird is related to Sarusiel.

These are my beginning notes.

tw: mention of suicidal behaviour and abusive behaviour )


Sep. 29th, 2011 02:50 am
avia: A dark haired girl sitting without concern in a winter scene, with a large heart next to her feet, surrounded by crows. (eat my heart out)
I put this in Charley's love party post, and, I'm thinking about it now because, I never really thought about this before, but, it's true...

It's strange, I am... not a creature who needs to be loved. I don't think I understand the need... I understand that others need it and so I try to let them know when I love them, though I am bad at it, but, I don't. Maybe I'm too non-human to know why I should, I like to have people who will share deep things with me and I like them to enjoy being around me and feel comfortable there and want to keep sharing with me and let me share with them, but... I don't need to be loved, really.

Even when I love.

And... it is not... that I don't want to be liked. I like being liked, I don't want people to hate me, I want people to enjoy my company. But I don't need love, not to say I don't like it, I love some wonderful people and they love me and I love that, but, it's not a need. If they say they don't love me, they just like me, it's okay, too.

I think... comes from my past, maybe. The people I loved, never loved me. And, I was okay with that. It turned out, when I got older, the first person I fell in love with then, didn't love me either. But that was also okay. I have been okay with this for a long time. Perhaps, I even like it better that way? I don't know. For a romantic relationship, anyway, I feel more comfortable when I love, and not loved in return, but liked, or, many company is liked. That's enough.

Is that strange?

I wonder, also, if this is why... a lot of people say they have low self-esteem. They hate their selves regularly, they feel worthless. I... don't have that? I feel like I am worth existing, I don't hate my self. I feel a lot of emotional pain sometimes, and sometimes I feel nervous around particular people because I feel they are more amazing than me and I look up to them, but, that's not the same thing as "I don't have any worth". I wonder if, the reason I don't need love is the same reason I don't understand low self-esteem.

It's probably an autistic thing, in the end I suppose....
avia: Girl and boy couple, wearing headphones. The boy is looking at her but the girl is staring into the sky. (staring into world)
I finished The Wood Wife today. It's a very good book, and it does something that made me want to look up the author and read more books by her (I normally choose my books strongly by subject, it's rare that I choose by author because, subject matters so much to me)... it made me feel interested in a subject that I don't normally have interest in.

For me, "personal interests" are the centre of the universe. It is very hard to make me feel connected or moved or like I am doing anything important, with the subject is something I don't have interest in. It's part of being an autistic person, and, it's part of what can make socialising very difficult for me, as well as many things... if I am not doing something connected to my interests, I get bored, and bored feelings become pain, and that drains my energy very quickly. I'm not normally a person who just has fun "being social". It needs to be connected to something I am particularly interested in, or, I need to find a reason to feel interested. Sometimes, being with a person I like can be enough for that, but, it's a rare bond that creates it, and, that bond is also usually based on... interests!

So, to enjoy a book that is not on a personal interest subject, is definitely something that makes me feel I should read the author's other work.

Cut... some small spoilers, I try to keep it minimum )
avia: Text: "Wanted to explode, pull my ribs apart and let the sun inside" (wanted to explode)
I forgot, just how much I needed to read about winged people. I forgot how much it means to me, stories about people getting their wings, stories about people fighting so hard to keep their wings from being taken away. No, I didn't forget, in my mind, not like amnesia, but I forgot in my heart. I forgot what it feels like.

There is something, about that same story told in different ways... someone has wings, but people try to keep them from flying because it's "not polite", but they fly anyway... that always touches me, even if it's the same story heard a hundred times, a thousand. I could keep reading it. Because it's real.

It's a metaphor, a story about people who move different and act different and feel different and how, the world thinks it's "not polite" but we need it, we need it, and it's okay to embrace it. And it's a real story too, not metaphor, a story about how we need to fly and people tell us "that's stupid" and "people can't fly" and "you are not a bird" and "everyone is just human, live with it, deal with it" and your heart is crying no, no, and your body is reaching for the sky in every atom and every beat of blood and your soul feels like it is in chains, and every part of you is shattered glass because

You. Need. The. Sky.

Or the ocean, or the forest, or the desert, or the inside of your warm room. It can be anywhere. For me, it's the sky, liquid world of light, the only time I can be in a world so open and so much without shadows and not feel like I am falling apart, or maybe I do but it's okay, it's okay when it's the sky because the sky will hold me, if I fall apart the sky will keep me, I will fall apart but I will never fall.

And this knowledge, that the sky will keep me, hold me, love me, is always burning inside me, mixed with the knowledge that I need it need it need it, and so there is love and so there is pain and they both cut me and they both stretch me past my ability to hold it and my boundaries are breaking, I am just like a puff of air, I am being stretches so thin that I can't exist as a body any more and I

I fly.

I fly.


Sep. 22nd, 2011 10:24 pm
avia: A smiling girl lifting up a skull mask to show her face. (happy skull girl)
Oh~, my store appeared today!

What store? Well... I was working on this last night, but, there was some problems with the store, so, the designs were not showing. But, it finally appeared now... I have been working on some shirt designs, for genderqueer, autistic, and other non-normative type people, just for fun~ But, it can also make a little money for me, and, I want to try and support my self with online sales of things in future, so, part of this, is testing to see if I can make any kind of business.

Here are the designs:

More behind the cut )

Sorry it comes out a little expensive... I was trying to put it as the cheapest price I could, the dark t-shirts are expensive ;w; But, the white ones are not bad. Sadly, the "observation robot" only looks good on a dark background really... but, if people want it for light, I can make one.

Also, I am open to ideas for custom designs, I'll try to make it~ (it doesn't have to be robot themed, but, if it is neurodiversity/gender diversity related it helps...) I have some more ideas that I am working on too, so, I'll post more updates when I have more shirts~

(Edited to add: right now, a friend told me about a problem with the “gender binary” ones, so, I take the design down and replace it. The gender binary shirts should be up again in about 24 hours… sorry about that!)
avia: Picture of numbers, shapes, and stars falling in a night sky. (falling numbers)
So, I am thinking that I might start to do a small business type thing, making patches. The kind that you sew on clothes, or, you can pin them on. They are going to have various neurodiversity type statements on, because, I don't see a lot of people making patches/buttons for actual neurodiverse people, more like cure stuff. I also want to make therian/otherkin/non-human ones, and, similar things that not typical people might want.

List of ideas I have, I am accepting more... )

I got some blank patches and, I have some iron-on transfer paper that is left from another project. I also want to put charms, beads, etc. hanging from the bottom, and, I want to do custom versions.

For each patch, what I will need is:

  • blank patch (they cost $1.50 each)
  • transfer paper (I think that for $10, I can get about 10 sheets, cutting them into pieces will give me enough for about 100 patches so, it's 10 cents for each patch)
  • two safety pins for people who want to pin them on (didn't look at the price of this yet)
  • charms and jump rings (I have some jump rings, I don't have charms, the charms will be most expensive. I can probably buy a large box of various beads for not much money, but, for special charms that I want to do, like a paw charm for a therian patch, it will probably be about $2 for each charm)
  • shipping cost (about $2 to America plus enveloves?)

Total: about $2 for regular patch, $4 for special charm patch, $4/$6 with shipping

So, I am trying to think of how to make this make actual money for me. I don't want to charge a lot, but, at the same time, it will be hard for me to make anything if I don't charge at least $5+shipping for the special ones.

My questions to you are:

  • What do you think is a good price for special patches (with charm that matches the patch)?
  • What do you think is a good prince for regular patches (would just have beads)?
  • Do you think it's fair to charge more for patches with different special charms than the regular ones? Or, maybe I should make it all the same price (meaning that the regular ones are more expensive) to make up the cost of the special ones by selling regular ones?
avia: Picture of numbers, shapes, and stars falling in a night sky. (falling numbers)

Inside and Outside Safety (warning from the top of the post: Mentions of violence towards PwD, both external and internal. Passing mention of the R-word and of a cat dying.):

We are told that in order to save ourselves from the violence out there we must do everything we can to look normal out there.

And when we do look normal out there, they pretend that no violence is being done to us. Too often, they forget the violence that they did or dismissed to make us this way. Too often, they will always dismiss that it left us with violence in our heads.

As time goes on I try to unlearn the violence that was taught to me. I try to uproot the strongholds that tell me how wrong and bad it is of me, how selfish, to want to be okay with myself. This process isn’t helped by living in a society that reaffirms that all the bad things are because I’m wrong, I’m deviant, I’m disabled and I dare to try not to hide from it.

Disabled, Not Different (warning: ableism, violence against autistic people, sexual abuse, bullying, use of words "human" and "not human" to describe disabled people):

I could be a manic-pixie-dream-girl, right? That was like the epitome of different, and I was so very, very different. I only wore skirts, and I said strange things and repeated things over and over and scratched patterns out on my skin. Surely I just needed love, friendship, someone to save me who also needed me to save them.

I discovered, though, that manic-pixie-dream-girls don’t bang their heads, and when someone touches them they know how to let themselves be touched. They see the world differently, but it’s an endearing and quirky and acceptable and unremittingly real view, not one that is confused and forgetful and blurred and above all fleeting. They use words differently, but they use the same words as everyone else and they seem to mean the same things.

People like manic-pixie-dream-girls. Some people even like nerds, and gifted students, and kids who spend their Saturdays painting sets.

People didn’t like me.

They were so nice to me, carefully working at smoothing out my edges until I fit into one or another of the acceptable differences they offered me, and I was so ungrateful and selfish and obsessive, not cooperating with any of it.

The second one is a little speciesist, assuming that everyone identifies as human, but, these are amazing in all other ways. I feel like I want to rock with happiness just thinking about how well they say the words I thought so often. How it's only "okay" with society to be different if you are inside a certain narrow limit of "different", acceptably different. How, being forced to act normal when you don't feel normal, to hide your own identity because it is thought as shameful, is abuse.

I needed these essays so much. Thank you, writers.

avia: Painting of a swan flying against a background of city night sky. (swan flight)
Prompt from kinspeak on Tumblr:
To otherkin and therians alike, how do you think your personalities tie in with your kin-type or therio-type? Does the “human” side of you clash with the “other”? Or do they fit seamlessly together?
For me, they perfectly match.

Which is not saying that I never have more “human” feelings that clash with the “swan” feelings, but… I don’t think this is a deep clash between the girl and the swan, because, I sometimes have human feelings that clash with my other human feelings, and, swan feelings that clash with my other swan feelings. That’s a part of being alive, that your feelings don’t always match.

But, it’s not a daily war between the swan and the girl. The girl is like the swan, swan-like, sometimes gentle to those she loves, sometimes cold and distant, and the swan is like the girl, girl-like, sometimes expressing her self in ways that are not like a swan at all. Most of the time, I don’t know where one ends and the other begins, and, it seems wrong to try and pull them apart, because, they are meant to be whole.

Read more... )
avia: A girl sitting and holding her knees, in an abandoned house grown over with green things. (green house)
This essay is going to introduce an idea that I really think is important. I talked about it on Tumblr, but, I want to write into a more formal essay too.

Warning: because of the topic of this essay, it may trigger for abuse of autistic children, rape culture/rape, and issues of ignoring a person's boundaries in general, including: boundaries of trans* people, people of colour, women and people choosing to use pseudonyms.

A lot has been said about rape culture, which is a phrase used to describe the ways that the society (usually US society, in the discussions) excuses and contributes to rape, by being a place where victims are often blamed, having double standards for men and women in a sexual way, etc. I don't really feel like I am the best person to describe rape culture: a quick look at the idea is here.

It's interesting, I never looked at that page before, but, at the end, bell hooks is mentioning that that rape culture is in fact part of a larger, "culture of violence". I am going to put a similar theory here, and suggest that what we have in US society in fact, is a larger culture of boundary violation.

Boundary violation, it means not respecting people's personal boundaries, and, creating a culture where "playful" violating those boundaries is normal. Boundary violation culture is about people thinking they have a right to touch you, to have particular kinds of response from you to their words and actions, or to poke into your private life with conversation questions. It's obvious to see where it would be a part of encouraging rape. But, it's not just about rape.

Read more... )
avia: (Default)
I thought I would begin this journal with some essays about autistic people, and the way we are treated in society. As an autistic person, activism about this is a big thing for me, and, one of the reasons to have this journal is to keep all these essays in a more tidy place than Tumblr, but, I thought I might start to write some original ones too.

So, here is one about coping behaviours, and how they are pathologised in autistic people.

Warning: triggers for abuse of autistic children.

Almost everyone has some behaviours that they use to cope with stress. I'm not very familiar with neurotypical ways to cope with stress, but, from reading a lot of books and knowing people who are not autistic, I get the idea that common neurotypical ways to cope with stress are things like:

  • smoking a cigarette, having a small drink of alcohol, or some similar thing
  • going for a run
  • taking a warm bath (I like this one too)
  • watching a movie
  • listening to some music
  • calling or texting your friends
  • playing with an animal
  • punching a pillow


I want you to take a moment, think of the ways that you personally cope with stress. Particularly if you are neurotypical, or, your neurodiversity is not related to the ways you cope. Think of the little things you do to help you get through the day, that are harmless, or, if they do a slight harm (like smoking), it's something you are happy to trade for a little relief from the stressy, busy world. Make a little list on some paper if you like. Don't continue this, until you think about it for just a few moments.

Are you done? Okay.

Read more... )


avia: (Default)
little swan child

May 2013

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