avia: Text, blue letters on a tree trunk: "I have only a beast's heart". (only a beast's heart)
After something [personal profile] feathertail said to me, I wonder if I am actually aromantic.

I identified as grey-romantic for a while, but I wonder if, I'm more close to aromantic in fact. I think, I have difficulty telling because, when you take the sexual part out of a relationship, what is the big difference between romance and a close platonic relationship? It seems like it is making romantic relations seem cheap and simple, by saying I am aromantic because I don't want a relationship where hugs and kisses are expected, or where there's a pressure to say "I love you" before the person leaves the house, or where we always sleep in the same bed. I'm sure there are many wonderful romantic relationships where people don't do these things.

But, in the end, it comes to this: I would prefer to talk about stories with you than cuddle you. I would prefer to talk about what matters to you in a philosophical way, than talk about our feelings for each other. When we go out and stare at the stars, I want you to love them with me because they are the stars, not be thinking only of me, and I want to think of them, too, and think, it is nice that someone will appreciate the wonder of the sky with me, not it's so nice to have this background to our beautiful feelings.

Tsu rambles about aromance )

Love

Sep. 29th, 2011 02:50 am
avia: A dark haired girl sitting without concern in a winter scene, with a large heart next to her feet, surrounded by crows. (eat my heart out)
I put this in Charley's love party post, and, I'm thinking about it now because, I never really thought about this before, but, it's true...

It's strange, I am... not a creature who needs to be loved. I don't think I understand the need... I understand that others need it and so I try to let them know when I love them, though I am bad at it, but, I don't. Maybe I'm too non-human to know why I should, I like to have people who will share deep things with me and I like them to enjoy being around me and feel comfortable there and want to keep sharing with me and let me share with them, but... I don't need to be loved, really.

Even when I love.


And... it is not... that I don't want to be liked. I like being liked, I don't want people to hate me, I want people to enjoy my company. But I don't need love, not to say I don't like it, I love some wonderful people and they love me and I love that, but, it's not a need. If they say they don't love me, they just like me, it's okay, too.

I think... comes from my past, maybe. The people I loved, never loved me. And, I was okay with that. It turned out, when I got older, the first person I fell in love with then, didn't love me either. But that was also okay. I have been okay with this for a long time. Perhaps, I even like it better that way? I don't know. For a romantic relationship, anyway, I feel more comfortable when I love, and not loved in return, but liked, or, many company is liked. That's enough.

Is that strange?

I wonder, also, if this is why... a lot of people say they have low self-esteem. They hate their selves regularly, they feel worthless. I... don't have that? I feel like I am worth existing, I don't hate my self. I feel a lot of emotional pain sometimes, and sometimes I feel nervous around particular people because I feel they are more amazing than me and I look up to them, but, that's not the same thing as "I don't have any worth". I wonder if, the reason I don't need love is the same reason I don't understand low self-esteem.

It's probably an autistic thing, in the end I suppose....

Hearts

Sep. 25th, 2011 06:23 pm
avia: A dark haired girl sitting without concern in a winter scene, with a large heart next to her feet, surrounded by crows. (eat my heart out)
So, I realised, writing in comments on the previous post, that I have a strange personal relationship with my heart. Not my physical heart, though, I guess I have a strange relationship with that too, because it beats oddly, but, my metaphorical heart.

I guess, you can probably tell it from the fact that I have two icons, out of this 15, that show hearts. This one, with the heart pulled out, and my "ice heart" one. But I didn't think about it, until now.

I should begin with what it means, to me, "metaphorical heart". For me, it's a little like [personal profile] the_flow said... heart and soul are not the same, but, they are tied up together. For me, heart is like a projection of soul, or, a part of soul. The soul is the whole person, but the heart is the feeling, emotional part.

I have been told a lot that I am heartless, because I am autistic, and I don't care in the right ways, or, express my caring in the right ways. I don't actually think that I am heartless, like I know some people identify. But, I do think that my heart is different from a lot of people's. My soul is a bird, a feather, a cloud, but my heart is an ice heart. It can break, it can melt, it has emotions, but, it doesn't want to be touched, because if you hold it in your hands it will hurt, it will get weak.

"Cold" people, are not always "without emotions". But, some of us deal with our emotions differently, because they hurt us very strongly, and so, we have to protect them.

And, like I said in comments, my heart, it is a part of me, but, at the same time, the way that my heart feels and doesn't feel is something that people have treated badly. And, sometimes, I simply want to smash my heart, and not be a part of this world that demands that I have one and use it in the right way. Or, to put the responsiblity for my heart in other people's hands, so that they can decide what my heart does, not me.

So, my heart is small and frozen, and sometimes, I think, I don't need it, I can live with just my soul. I know I do need it, but, to me, it is less important. My soul, my spiritual nature, is what's important. And, so, I can feel like I can put it in the hands of people, without losing anything. My heart is second, to me, to my soul.

But, it doesn't mean I don't value it. Maybe, it actually means that I share it more often, because, I am not attached to it. If it takes some damage, if it melts, I still have my soul. Sometimes, I can't handle that pain, of the melting, but when I can, I can be very open because, it doesn't hurt me so much if I lose my heart. But, a lot of the time, it's just too much.

I don't think this makes a lot of sense... maybe I will write a story about it, instead. Maybe, it will make more sense that way.
avia: A girl sitting and holding her knees, in an abandoned house grown over with green things. (green house)
I was thinking recently, because I'm reading The Wood Wife, about place, and stories, and magic/wonder.

The Wood Wife is a very... place-focused book. A lot of books are, Daughter of the Forest was too, the one I read just before it. Daughter of the Forest is a story that would not work without Ireland, and without Britain (before the first place was part of the second), and the cultural roots and atmosphere of those places. The Wood Wife is also a story that would not work without place, because it is all about the magic of the Arizona desert, how the desert hides wild and strange things and how it can transform a person.

Because of this, I find the book interesting, but, in a detached way... it makes me curious to learn about the magic of the desert, and difficult to feel close to the book, also. Those things come from the same place... I don't understand desert magic. It is not my natural place, it is not my way, it is not my home.

I realise that place makes a big difference for me, if I want to feel and experience the magic in a story. It's influence for me, even before I read a book, what kind of place I think that book is about. In fact, I was excited to read The Wood Wife because the title makes me think, it will be about woods, which exist usually in cold places, with a lot of rain. That's where I find spiritual comfort. I love stories that are about forests, or green hills, or mountains and cold, icy lands. I have never been to Ireland or Scotland, but I do enjoy stories that have an Irish or Scottish theme because, simply, I like trees and water and storms and rain. I need them, to be spiritual in my full detail.

I am a water bird and, in Hermetic tradition water is associated with darkness and shadow, and, I am also a shadow creature. I can't have the light on me all the time. I need shade and I need rain, and, I feel most magical with those things around me. I also wonder a little, if there is a truth to the idea of "roots" in a blood sense... I don't normally think about it, but, I wonder, this blood was made for a Japanese climate and spirituality and, I wonder if it really does make a difference. If there is a truth to the idea that your spirituality, or spiritual pull/strength, can be passed down in blood, in a way.

I live in the desert, so, I hope that The Wood Wife will teach me about how to appreciate the magic here. But I feel like the forests will always be spiritual home for me.
avia: Text: "Never love a wild thing." (never love a wild thing)


The time when you are just recovering from finishing a book (because, recovering is a good word, I think, this shaking in the heart, strange melancholy feeling), and all the world around you feels a little twilight, fae and magical... and your own words feel more strong, you feel like you can write poetry because there is poetry in your brain, and you feel powerful, and at the same time helpless, to the rush of grief.

I just finished Daughter of the Forest, by Juliet Marillier. A short review, or, emotional thoughts not really organised )
avia: A dark haired girl sitting without concern in a winter scene, with a large heart next to her feet, surrounded by crows. (eat my heart out)
A lot to write about, a lot to share. I had a very powerful and eventful trip with [personal profile] niya. She was kind enough to take me to San Francisco, so I could see the swans that I have a spiritual longing to be close to.

These are the stories that happened on that trip. Or, some of them. I'm sure I forget some, and, others are stories inside stories, that I will tell on my Tumblr under the writing tag. But this, this is the main story as I remember it.



Swans, faerie forests, deer spirits, and amazing food, plus many many photos )

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