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aviaThis essay is going to introduce an idea that I really think is important. I talked about it on Tumblr, but, I want to write into a more formal essay too.
Warning: because of the topic of this essay, it may trigger for abuse of autistic children, rape culture/rape, and issues of ignoring a person's boundaries in general, including: boundaries of trans* people, people of colour, women and people choosing to use pseudonyms.
A lot has been said about rape culture, which is a phrase used to describe the ways that the society (usually US society, in the discussions) excuses and contributes to rape, by being a place where victims are often blamed, having double standards for men and women in a sexual way, etc. I don't really feel like I am the best person to describe rape culture: a quick look at the idea is here.
It's interesting, I never looked at that page before, but, at the end, bell hooks is mentioning that that rape culture is in fact part of a larger, "culture of violence". I am going to put a similar theory here, and suggest that what we have in US society in fact, is a larger culture of boundary violation.
Boundary violation, it means not respecting people's personal boundaries, and, creating a culture where "playful" violating those boundaries is normal. Boundary violation culture is about people thinking they have a right to touch you, to have particular kinds of response from you to their words and actions, or to poke into your private life with conversation questions. It's obvious to see where it would be a part of encouraging rape. But, it's not just about rape.
Boundary violation culture is when a white person gets upset at a black person, who won't let them touch their hair. ("But it looks so soft and nice! I just wanted to....") Not respecting that a random person might not want to have their hair touched by a strangeer, and treating them as something you have a right to touch, is boundary violation.
Boundary violation culture is when a man says "come on, smile!" at a woman on the street, and doesn't respect her right to walk on, and gets angry if she won't put on an emotion for him. A treatment of women's (and trans men's/genderqueer people's) bodies and minds as something you are entitled to, something you are entitled to have a smile from, something you are entitled to say "I want you to react this way", is boundary violation.
Boundary violation culture is when you have no spoons, and the person serving you at the grocery store asks "so where are you from, you have a cute accent? Are you from [country]?", and you really don't want to talk about your personal background or even talk at all, so you try to push the question away with a little silly answer, and they keep digging, "no, where are you from?" A feeling that you have a right to dig into a person's private life, particularly if they are a member of a non-privileged group (not white, not gender-normative, not neurotypical, etc.), and treat them like they are being a horrible person if they don't want to talk about it, is boundary violation.
(Personal note: this happens to me all the time, particularly because, I don't have a Japanese accent or an American accent. I have a weird accent. I learned to speak late in life and it creates a similar nature to foreign accent syndrome, even though I don't have brain injury. I am told my accent has some traits of accents in India, and, I saw some clips of Slumdog Millionaire and, it does sound a little like the accents in that movie at least.
I much prefer shopping at the Japanese grocery, because, no one ever asks me about my accent. No one ever asks me about anything, they say "hello" and "$21.59, please" and "here's your receipt". I never get random questions at the checkout line. In the American grocery? Everyone wants to talk to me.)
Boundary violation culture is when a cis person thinks it's okay to ask a trans person, what is the state of your genitals, and how do you have sex? To repeat the previous, a feeling that you have a right to dig into a person's private life, particularly if they are a member of a non-privileged group, and treat them like they are being a horrible person if they don't want to talk about it, is boundary violation.
Boudary violation culture is telling people on the internet that pseudonyms are not okay, that everything you do on the internet needs to be linked to a "real name", even if you are trans* and don't identify with that name, or you have a comservative employer who could fire you for posting liberal political things on the internet, etc. To believe that your right to know someone's real name is more important than their right to protect their identity in face of a job loss, outing to family and friends, etc. etc., is boundary violation.
Boundary violation culture is teasing someone about a trait they are uncomfortable about, and not stopping when you are told to stop, and not asking "is this okay?" or thinking whether they have any trauma to do with it, and just brushing off any protest with "but I'm just teasing!" To think that a boundary that a person puts up, is not really important because your joke is more important, is boundary violation.
And, I could give ten thousand examples of things, but, I should probably stop there or you will all get bored and stop reading.
So, what has boundary violation culture to do with autism?
Everything.
Autistic people have much higher boundaries than most neurotypical people. This is because we are more sensitive: sensitive to sound, sensitive to touch, sensitive to distractions, sensitive to emotions. In order to function in the world, we have to police our own boundaries very strongly. We have to shut out a lot of things that are just too much to be comfortable.
But, because those boundaries are not the "normal" boundaries, they are usually ignored.
In fact, part of a common "therapy" for autistic people, is to break down their boundaries. Does that sound awful? That's because it is. Autistic children are told that their level of boundaries are not okay. They are told that it is "normal", and necessary, to hug, to touch, to say "I love you" even when the word hurts.
(Trust me, I know from painful, personal experience: when someone's response to "I love you" turns from "I love you too" into "okay" and then into nothing, they are locking down inside. This boy is being overwhelmed by a word he doesn't believe in and doesn't know how to process. He's being not allowed to define his world and his relationships in his own way... with a good dose of erasing the possibility that he might grow up to be aromantic, too. "My mind flies decades ahead, and I wonder who will love a man who won't declare love in return."
Also, something to notice: when a neurotypical mother "can't stop" telling her son she loves him, people see it as normal and even heroic. When an autistic child "can't stop" stimming, people see it as pathology, out of control behaviour. Even though that stimming doesn't hurt anyone, and pushing affection on someone against their will can hurt them very much.
Not being able to control your emotions is fine, if they're normal emotions. If they're "bad, autistic" emotions, the person is "having a tantrum" and "out of control".)
Autistic children are told that what matters is not their comfort: it is what the neurotypical adults around them want. They learn that saying "no", crying, or "throwing a fit" when someone tries to push you into something you don't want to do is a "bad social skill". They learn that touch is uncomfortable, and it can sometimes hurt, but you have to do it anyway and not complain, for the sake of the social world...
Wait, were we talking about rape culture?
I never actually had this talk (I end up bringing up the talk before my family could), but, from what I see in books, magazines, etc., I hear that it is normal to say to a child, "If anyone touches you in a way you feel uncomfortable, tell an adult!" Yet, do you want to believe that an autistic child who says "I feel uncomfortable with that touch" is going to be listened to when they are saying it about a rape, if they won't be listened to when they are saying it about a hug, or a kiss, or a pat on the head?
Why are we setting up autistic children to be abused?
Warning: because of the topic of this essay, it may trigger for abuse of autistic children, rape culture/rape, and issues of ignoring a person's boundaries in general, including: boundaries of trans* people, people of colour, women and people choosing to use pseudonyms.
A lot has been said about rape culture, which is a phrase used to describe the ways that the society (usually US society, in the discussions) excuses and contributes to rape, by being a place where victims are often blamed, having double standards for men and women in a sexual way, etc. I don't really feel like I am the best person to describe rape culture: a quick look at the idea is here.
It's interesting, I never looked at that page before, but, at the end, bell hooks is mentioning that that rape culture is in fact part of a larger, "culture of violence". I am going to put a similar theory here, and suggest that what we have in US society in fact, is a larger culture of boundary violation.
Boundary violation, it means not respecting people's personal boundaries, and, creating a culture where "playful" violating those boundaries is normal. Boundary violation culture is about people thinking they have a right to touch you, to have particular kinds of response from you to their words and actions, or to poke into your private life with conversation questions. It's obvious to see where it would be a part of encouraging rape. But, it's not just about rape.
Boundary violation culture is when a white person gets upset at a black person, who won't let them touch their hair. ("But it looks so soft and nice! I just wanted to....") Not respecting that a random person might not want to have their hair touched by a strangeer, and treating them as something you have a right to touch, is boundary violation.
Boundary violation culture is when a man says "come on, smile!" at a woman on the street, and doesn't respect her right to walk on, and gets angry if she won't put on an emotion for him. A treatment of women's (and trans men's/genderqueer people's) bodies and minds as something you are entitled to, something you are entitled to have a smile from, something you are entitled to say "I want you to react this way", is boundary violation.
Boundary violation culture is when you have no spoons, and the person serving you at the grocery store asks "so where are you from, you have a cute accent? Are you from [country]?", and you really don't want to talk about your personal background or even talk at all, so you try to push the question away with a little silly answer, and they keep digging, "no, where are you from?" A feeling that you have a right to dig into a person's private life, particularly if they are a member of a non-privileged group (not white, not gender-normative, not neurotypical, etc.), and treat them like they are being a horrible person if they don't want to talk about it, is boundary violation.
(Personal note: this happens to me all the time, particularly because, I don't have a Japanese accent or an American accent. I have a weird accent. I learned to speak late in life and it creates a similar nature to foreign accent syndrome, even though I don't have brain injury. I am told my accent has some traits of accents in India, and, I saw some clips of Slumdog Millionaire and, it does sound a little like the accents in that movie at least.
I much prefer shopping at the Japanese grocery, because, no one ever asks me about my accent. No one ever asks me about anything, they say "hello" and "$21.59, please" and "here's your receipt". I never get random questions at the checkout line. In the American grocery? Everyone wants to talk to me.)
Boundary violation culture is when a cis person thinks it's okay to ask a trans person, what is the state of your genitals, and how do you have sex? To repeat the previous, a feeling that you have a right to dig into a person's private life, particularly if they are a member of a non-privileged group, and treat them like they are being a horrible person if they don't want to talk about it, is boundary violation.
Boudary violation culture is telling people on the internet that pseudonyms are not okay, that everything you do on the internet needs to be linked to a "real name", even if you are trans* and don't identify with that name, or you have a comservative employer who could fire you for posting liberal political things on the internet, etc. To believe that your right to know someone's real name is more important than their right to protect their identity in face of a job loss, outing to family and friends, etc. etc., is boundary violation.
Boundary violation culture is teasing someone about a trait they are uncomfortable about, and not stopping when you are told to stop, and not asking "is this okay?" or thinking whether they have any trauma to do with it, and just brushing off any protest with "but I'm just teasing!" To think that a boundary that a person puts up, is not really important because your joke is more important, is boundary violation.
And, I could give ten thousand examples of things, but, I should probably stop there or you will all get bored and stop reading.
So, what has boundary violation culture to do with autism?
Everything.
Autistic people have much higher boundaries than most neurotypical people. This is because we are more sensitive: sensitive to sound, sensitive to touch, sensitive to distractions, sensitive to emotions. In order to function in the world, we have to police our own boundaries very strongly. We have to shut out a lot of things that are just too much to be comfortable.
But, because those boundaries are not the "normal" boundaries, they are usually ignored.
In fact, part of a common "therapy" for autistic people, is to break down their boundaries. Does that sound awful? That's because it is. Autistic children are told that their level of boundaries are not okay. They are told that it is "normal", and necessary, to hug, to touch, to say "I love you" even when the word hurts.
(Trust me, I know from painful, personal experience: when someone's response to "I love you" turns from "I love you too" into "okay" and then into nothing, they are locking down inside. This boy is being overwhelmed by a word he doesn't believe in and doesn't know how to process. He's being not allowed to define his world and his relationships in his own way... with a good dose of erasing the possibility that he might grow up to be aromantic, too. "My mind flies decades ahead, and I wonder who will love a man who won't declare love in return."
Also, something to notice: when a neurotypical mother "can't stop" telling her son she loves him, people see it as normal and even heroic. When an autistic child "can't stop" stimming, people see it as pathology, out of control behaviour. Even though that stimming doesn't hurt anyone, and pushing affection on someone against their will can hurt them very much.
Not being able to control your emotions is fine, if they're normal emotions. If they're "bad, autistic" emotions, the person is "having a tantrum" and "out of control".)
Autistic children are told that what matters is not their comfort: it is what the neurotypical adults around them want. They learn that saying "no", crying, or "throwing a fit" when someone tries to push you into something you don't want to do is a "bad social skill". They learn that touch is uncomfortable, and it can sometimes hurt, but you have to do it anyway and not complain, for the sake of the social world...
Wait, were we talking about rape culture?
I never actually had this talk (I end up bringing up the talk before my family could), but, from what I see in books, magazines, etc., I hear that it is normal to say to a child, "If anyone touches you in a way you feel uncomfortable, tell an adult!" Yet, do you want to believe that an autistic child who says "I feel uncomfortable with that touch" is going to be listened to when they are saying it about a rape, if they won't be listened to when they are saying it about a hug, or a kiss, or a pat on the head?
Why are we setting up autistic children to be abused?
