the forbidden union

I'm not comfortable calling this "totem" or "spirit animal" because, that is not my culture. But, I realise that because Sarusiel has Frigatebird as one of Her sacred animals, I probably should research what is thought to be magical associations of Frigatebird.

And... I didn't find anything. Or, not anything useful. Just some short things, really they say nothing to me at all.

So, I decide to read about Frigatebird, and try to understand the magic of this being on my own, as well as how the bird is related to Sarusiel.

These are my beginning notes.

( tw: mention of suicidal behaviour and abusive behaviour )

I finished The Wood Wife today. It's a very good book, and it does something that made me want to look up the author and read more books by her (I normally choose my books strongly by subject, it's rare that I choose by author because, subject matters so much to me)... it made me feel interested in a subject that I don't normally have interest in.

For me, "personal interests" are the centre of the universe. It is very hard to make me feel connected or moved or like I am doing anything important, with the subject is something I don't have interest in. It's part of being an autistic person, and, it's part of what can make socialising very difficult for me, as well as many things... if I am not doing something connected to my interests, I get bored, and bored feelings become pain, and that drains my energy very quickly. I'm not normally a person who just has fun "being social". It needs to be connected to something I am particularly interested in, or, I need to find a reason to feel interested. Sometimes, being with a person I like can be enough for that, but, it's a rare bond that creates it, and, that bond is also usually based on... interests!

So, to enjoy a book that is not on a personal interest subject, is definitely something that makes me feel I should read the author's other work.

( Cut... some small spoilers, I try to keep it minimum )

I was thinking recently, because I'm reading The Wood Wife, about place, and stories, and magic/wonder.

The Wood Wife is a very... place-focused book. A lot of books are, Daughter of the Forest was too, the one I read just before it. Daughter of the Forest is a story that would not work without Ireland, and without Britain (before the first place was part of the second), and the cultural roots and atmosphere of those places. The Wood Wife is also a story that would not work without place, because it is all about the magic of the Arizona desert, how the desert hides wild and strange things and how it can transform a person.

Because of this, I find the book interesting, but, in a detached way... it makes me curious to learn about the magic of the desert, and difficult to feel close to the book, also. Those things come from the same place... I don't understand desert magic. It is not my natural place, it is not my way, it is not my home.

I realise that place makes a big difference for me, if I want to feel and experience the magic in a story. It's influence for me, even before I read a book, what kind of place I think that book is about. In fact, I was excited to read The Wood Wife because the title makes me think, it will be about woods, which exist usually in cold places, with a lot of rain. That's where I find spiritual comfort. I love stories that are about forests, or green hills, or mountains and cold, icy lands. I have never been to Ireland or Scotland, but I do enjoy stories that have an Irish or Scottish theme because, simply, I like trees and water and storms and rain. I need them, to be spiritual in my full detail.

I am a water bird and, in Hermetic tradition water is associated with darkness and shadow, and, I am also a shadow creature. I can't have the light on me all the time. I need shade and I need rain, and, I feel most magical with those things around me. I also wonder a little, if there is a truth to the idea of "roots" in a blood sense... I don't normally think about it, but, I wonder, this blood was made for a Japanese climate and spirituality and, I wonder if it really does make a difference. If there is a truth to the idea that your spirituality, or spiritual pull/strength, can be passed down in blood, in a way.

I live in the desert, so, I hope that The Wood Wife will teach me about how to appreciate the magic here. But I feel like the forests will always be spiritual home for me.

I have to admit it... as an autistic person, I usually don't feel emotional about the deaths of people the same way most people do, even if they are the result of cruelty. I can often get more heart-feeling upset about deaths of fictional characters, or celebrities just because they are people I like, than about a crisis of rights, even though I have a worship of death, and I believe that the real reason any death would be wrong, is if it happens because of injustice situation.

It's just the way I am. I can't change it, I'm not sure I want to, because, it's not bad or good, it's just me. It doesn't mean I don't care, because, in my mind I think these events are sad and I do what I can to help people who are suffering. I do care. I just don't feel it in my heart. I have been told, that that is not caring. But, it is the way I work.

But, something in my heart does feel a heavy weight for Troy Davis, who was lynched tonight by the state of Georgia. That's all you can call it, when the evidence for him didn't actually exist and the witnesses were bullied into saying he did it. It's a murder because he is black. That's all.

(And, here's a random truth if you don't believe that: Courts in GA sought the death penalty for 70% of black defendants with white victims but for only 15% of white defendants with black victim. From aclu.org.)

I think, I feel it because I was watching it actually happen on Tumblr... not on a video, but, watching it through the comments of people who were updating constantly about how the case was going. So, I knew the moment it happened, or, close to it. And, I also read this lovely, lovely message from him to his supporters today. And it made me really just feel, for a moment, like I could feel his soul setting free from his body, and I did what I do as a psychopomp, and I connected with that energy and tried to send energy to help to guide his soul safely to a place of beauty and joy.

And then, I was listening to this EP (which is beautiful, and, has a lovely name), and it started the song "Lark", and, though I would not have thought of it before, the words stuck in my head as a bird-prayer for those who are transitioning from one world to the next.

on the wings of the storm
you will be carried forth
to the nest you will return
body, breath and life secure

So, this is a death song in my head now. And, my prayer as a bird soul, for Troy Davis and for all who have died, are dying, will die, as victims of what America still calls "justice", even though that is a thin veil over a corruption so obvious that anyone can see through it.

A lot to write about, a lot to share. I had a very powerful and eventful trip with niya. She was kind enough to take me to San Francisco, so I could see the swans that I have a spiritual longing to be close to.

These are the stories that happened on that trip. Or, some of them. I'm sure I forget some, and, others are stories inside stories, that I will tell on my Tumblr under the writing tag. But this, this is the main story as I remember it.



( Swans, faerie forests, deer spirits, and amazing food, plus many many photos )