the forbidden union

After something feathertail said to me, I wonder if I am actually aromantic.

I identified as grey-romantic for a while, but I wonder if, I'm more close to aromantic in fact. I think, I have difficulty telling because, when you take the sexual part out of a relationship, what is the big difference between romance and a close platonic relationship? It seems like it is making romantic relations seem cheap and simple, by saying I am aromantic because I don't want a relationship where hugs and kisses are expected, or where there's a pressure to say "I love you" before the person leaves the house, or where we always sleep in the same bed. I'm sure there are many wonderful romantic relationships where people don't do these things.

But, in the end, it comes to this: I would prefer to talk about stories with you than cuddle you. I would prefer to talk about what matters to you in a philosophical way, than talk about our feelings for each other. When we go out and stare at the stars, I want you to love them with me because they are the stars, not be thinking only of me, and I want to think of them, too, and think, it is nice that someone will appreciate the wonder of the sky with me, not it's so nice to have this background to our beautiful feelings.

( Tsu rambles about aromance )

So, I realised, writing in comments on the previous post, that I have a strange personal relationship with my heart. Not my physical heart, though, I guess I have a strange relationship with that too, because it beats oddly, but, my metaphorical heart.

I guess, you can probably tell it from the fact that I have two icons, out of this 15, that show hearts. This one, with the heart pulled out, and my "ice heart" one. But I didn't think about it, until now.

I should begin with what it means, to me, "metaphorical heart". For me, it's a little like the_flow said... heart and soul are not the same, but, they are tied up together. For me, heart is like a projection of soul, or, a part of soul. The soul is the whole person, but the heart is the feeling, emotional part.

I have been told a lot that I am heartless, because I am autistic, and I don't care in the right ways, or, express my caring in the right ways. I don't actually think that I am heartless, like I know some people identify. But, I do think that my heart is different from a lot of people's. My soul is a bird, a feather, a cloud, but my heart is an ice heart. It can break, it can melt, it has emotions, but, it doesn't want to be touched, because if you hold it in your hands it will hurt, it will get weak.

"Cold" people, are not always "without emotions". But, some of us deal with our emotions differently, because they hurt us very strongly, and so, we have to protect them.

And, like I said in comments, my heart, it is a part of me, but, at the same time, the way that my heart feels and doesn't feel is something that people have treated badly. And, sometimes, I simply want to smash my heart, and not be a part of this world that demands that I have one and use it in the right way. Or, to put the responsiblity for my heart in other people's hands, so that they can decide what my heart does, not me.

So, my heart is small and frozen, and sometimes, I think, I don't need it, I can live with just my soul. I know I do need it, but, to me, it is less important. My soul, my spiritual nature, is what's important. And, so, I can feel like I can put it in the hands of people, without losing anything. My heart is second, to me, to my soul.

But, it doesn't mean I don't value it. Maybe, it actually means that I share it more often, because, I am not attached to it. If it takes some damage, if it melts, I still have my soul. Sometimes, I can't handle that pain, of the melting, but when I can, I can be very open because, it doesn't hurt me so much if I lose my heart. But, a lot of the time, it's just too much.

I don't think this makes a lot of sense... maybe I will write a story about it, instead. Maybe, it will make more sense that way.

The time when you are just recovering from finishing a book (because, recovering is a good word, I think, this shaking in the heart, strange melancholy feeling), and all the world around you feels a little twilight, fae and magical... and your own words feel more strong, you feel like you can write poetry because there is poetry in your brain, and you feel powerful, and at the same time helpless, to the rush of grief.

I just finished Daughter of the Forest, by Juliet Marillier. ( A short review, or, emotional thoughts not really organised )