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aviaI put this in Charley's love party post, and, I'm thinking about it now because, I never really thought about this before, but, it's true...
And... it is not... that I don't want to be liked. I like being liked, I don't want people to hate me, I want people to enjoy my company. But I don't need love, not to say I don't like it, I love some wonderful people and they love me and I love that, but, it's not a need. If they say they don't love me, they just like me, it's okay, too.
I think... comes from my past, maybe. The people I loved, never loved me. And, I was okay with that. It turned out, when I got older, the first person I fell in love with then, didn't love me either. But that was also okay. I have been okay with this for a long time. Perhaps, I even like it better that way? I don't know. For a romantic relationship, anyway, I feel more comfortable when I love, and not loved in return, but liked, or, many company is liked. That's enough.
Is that strange?
I wonder, also, if this is why... a lot of people say they have low self-esteem. They hate their selves regularly, they feel worthless. I... don't have that? I feel like I am worth existing, I don't hate my self. I feel a lot of emotional pain sometimes, and sometimes I feel nervous around particular people because I feel they are more amazing than me and I look up to them, but, that's not the same thing as "I don't have any worth". I wonder if, the reason I don't need love is the same reason I don't understand low self-esteem.
It's probably an autistic thing, in the end I suppose....
It's strange, I am... not a creature who needs to be loved. I don't think I understand the need... I understand that others need it and so I try to let them know when I love them, though I am bad at it, but, I don't. Maybe I'm too non-human to know why I should, I like to have people who will share deep things with me and I like them to enjoy being around me and feel comfortable there and want to keep sharing with me and let me share with them, but... I don't need to be loved, really.
Even when I love.
And... it is not... that I don't want to be liked. I like being liked, I don't want people to hate me, I want people to enjoy my company. But I don't need love, not to say I don't like it, I love some wonderful people and they love me and I love that, but, it's not a need. If they say they don't love me, they just like me, it's okay, too.
I think... comes from my past, maybe. The people I loved, never loved me. And, I was okay with that. It turned out, when I got older, the first person I fell in love with then, didn't love me either. But that was also okay. I have been okay with this for a long time. Perhaps, I even like it better that way? I don't know. For a romantic relationship, anyway, I feel more comfortable when I love, and not loved in return, but liked, or, many company is liked. That's enough.
Is that strange?
I wonder, also, if this is why... a lot of people say they have low self-esteem. They hate their selves regularly, they feel worthless. I... don't have that? I feel like I am worth existing, I don't hate my self. I feel a lot of emotional pain sometimes, and sometimes I feel nervous around particular people because I feel they are more amazing than me and I look up to them, but, that's not the same thing as "I don't have any worth". I wonder if, the reason I don't need love is the same reason I don't understand low self-esteem.
It's probably an autistic thing, in the end I suppose....
no subject
Date: 2011-09-29 11:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-29 04:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-29 07:27 pm (UTC)I guess, it's more close to aromantic than romantic. I wonder, if also, those things I like to do, are not really "romantic" but, just showing of kindness... I like to give people nice gifts and sit on the roof with them and watch the stars, I like to do nice things for them and I do fall in love sometimes but... I wonder... I wonder if the things I want with them are really very different from friendship, or sometimes "friends with benefits"... if I don't want a romantic relationship, I guess, I really am aromantic.
Hm. Things I think about! Thank you.