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aviaSo, I realised, writing in comments on the previous post, that I have a strange personal relationship with my heart. Not my physical heart, though, I guess I have a strange relationship with that too, because it beats oddly, but, my metaphorical heart.
I guess, you can probably tell it from the fact that I have two icons, out of this 15, that show hearts. This one, with the heart pulled out, and my "ice heart" one. But I didn't think about it, until now.
I should begin with what it means, to me, "metaphorical heart". For me, it's a little likethe_flow said... heart and soul are not the same, but, they are tied up together. For me, heart is like a projection of soul, or, a part of soul. The soul is the whole person, but the heart is the feeling, emotional part.
I have been told a lot that I am heartless, because I am autistic, and I don't care in the right ways, or, express my caring in the right ways. I don't actually think that I am heartless, like I know some people identify. But, I do think that my heart is different from a lot of people's. My soul is a bird, a feather, a cloud, but my heart is an ice heart. It can break, it can melt, it has emotions, but, it doesn't want to be touched, because if you hold it in your hands it will hurt, it will get weak.
"Cold" people, are not always "without emotions". But, some of us deal with our emotions differently, because they hurt us very strongly, and so, we have to protect them.
And, like I said in comments, my heart, it is a part of me, but, at the same time, the way that my heart feels and doesn't feel is something that people have treated badly. And, sometimes, I simply want to smash my heart, and not be a part of this world that demands that I have one and use it in the right way. Or, to put the responsiblity for my heart in other people's hands, so that they can decide what my heart does, not me.
So, my heart is small and frozen, and sometimes, I think, I don't need it, I can live with just my soul. I know I do need it, but, to me, it is less important. My soul, my spiritual nature, is what's important. And, so, I can feel like I can put it in the hands of people, without losing anything. My heart is second, to me, to my soul.
But, it doesn't mean I don't value it. Maybe, it actually means that I share it more often, because, I am not attached to it. If it takes some damage, if it melts, I still have my soul. Sometimes, I can't handle that pain, of the melting, but when I can, I can be very open because, it doesn't hurt me so much if I lose my heart. But, a lot of the time, it's just too much.
I don't think this makes a lot of sense... maybe I will write a story about it, instead. Maybe, it will make more sense that way.
I guess, you can probably tell it from the fact that I have two icons, out of this 15, that show hearts. This one, with the heart pulled out, and my "ice heart" one. But I didn't think about it, until now.
I should begin with what it means, to me, "metaphorical heart". For me, it's a little like
the_flow said... heart and soul are not the same, but, they are tied up together. For me, heart is like a projection of soul, or, a part of soul. The soul is the whole person, but the heart is the feeling, emotional part.I have been told a lot that I am heartless, because I am autistic, and I don't care in the right ways, or, express my caring in the right ways. I don't actually think that I am heartless, like I know some people identify. But, I do think that my heart is different from a lot of people's. My soul is a bird, a feather, a cloud, but my heart is an ice heart. It can break, it can melt, it has emotions, but, it doesn't want to be touched, because if you hold it in your hands it will hurt, it will get weak.
"Cold" people, are not always "without emotions". But, some of us deal with our emotions differently, because they hurt us very strongly, and so, we have to protect them.
And, like I said in comments, my heart, it is a part of me, but, at the same time, the way that my heart feels and doesn't feel is something that people have treated badly. And, sometimes, I simply want to smash my heart, and not be a part of this world that demands that I have one and use it in the right way. Or, to put the responsiblity for my heart in other people's hands, so that they can decide what my heart does, not me.
So, my heart is small and frozen, and sometimes, I think, I don't need it, I can live with just my soul. I know I do need it, but, to me, it is less important. My soul, my spiritual nature, is what's important. And, so, I can feel like I can put it in the hands of people, without losing anything. My heart is second, to me, to my soul.
But, it doesn't mean I don't value it. Maybe, it actually means that I share it more often, because, I am not attached to it. If it takes some damage, if it melts, I still have my soul. Sometimes, I can't handle that pain, of the melting, but when I can, I can be very open because, it doesn't hurt me so much if I lose my heart. But, a lot of the time, it's just too much.
I don't think this makes a lot of sense... maybe I will write a story about it, instead. Maybe, it will make more sense that way.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-26 03:52 am (UTC)I remember talking about this with you once, I don't remember what I said because I have a poor memory but I remember ha we talked about it and you wanted to know the difference.
I think...IK don't know. I think I can see you breaking your heart. *I think I can see you going without it but it would be all right. It's like an extra part of you, something that you have that makes you more but is not entirely essential to your being. I think you should do what you want iwth it.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-26 04:12 am (UTC)But, I think what you said to me, probably helped me understand this more. So, thank you.
I think so, too. And, thank you again. Your words help me grow, always.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-26 05:08 pm (UTC)This, very much. I've been accused of being frigid in the past because I'm not very demonstrative when it comes to my emotions, but that doesn't mean I don't feel deeply in my own way.
A soul is all of who you are, and it's...much less vulnerable because of how innate it is. Your heart can be changed by external forces and people, but your souls is always yours.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-26 07:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-26 05:23 pm (UTC)And I definitely have emotions, in this lifetime and reality. [exceeeeptttt for when I don't. Which is... fairly often enough. But I definitely do have emotions otherwise. a lot of them. and they often are far too strong.]
But I still think I'm lacking in the heart department. hmm.